


We're Ok

by needle428



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-06 08:38:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/416914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needle428/pseuds/needle428
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post S3. Alicia puts herself in a dangerous situation and Kalinda doesn’t handle it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're Ok

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This wasn't meant to be so angsty, but...yeah.

The tension in the car was palpable. Kalinda’s hands drummed impatiently on the wheel as they waited for the light to change. Alicia sat in the passenger seat, arms crossed and sulking. Sidelong glances ate up the space between them, but eyes refused to meet.

**  
**

In the last few months, Alicia’s position at the firm had changed and she thought that she’d been sufficiently preparing herself for the increased responsibility that came with a partnership track: a better salary, more leadership, a heavier caseload, better cases. She wanted all of that, even knowing that it likely meant complications for her personal life. What she hadn’t anticipated was just how much need she’d have for delegation. She hadn’t realized how little of her own legwork she’d be allowed to participate in when she was the one telling other lawyers what to do. She missed it.

**  
**

Really, she missed working with Kalinda. Only, it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.

**  
**

The light changed and Kalinda’s tapping was replaced by soft sighs and a careful worrying of her bottom lip. She did that a lot when something was on her mind; a sort of nervous habit that only came out when she was too distracted to notice anyone paying attention. 

**  
**

And Alicia knew that because they were better now. Not fixed or back to normal, whatever normal had been, but mildly personal conversation didn’t make either of them hesitate and drinks weren’t as awkward or strained. Sometimes Kalinda was even willing to divulge small tidbits about herself without prompting. 

**  
**

When I was ten, I was terrified of the rain.

**  
**

and 

  
I’m not gay, I’m...flexible

**  
**

and

**  
**

He’s my husband...Leela’s husband.

**  
**

Alicia, for her part, had started to pay better attention, reading between the lines and learning from the many things Kalinda did, but never said. Like when a case file for a civil suit she was losing showed up on her desk with Kalinda’s familiar handwritten notes clipped to the inside, even though the firm had refused to allocate investigator time to the case. Or the morning Eli tried to wrangle her into a campaign interview and Kalinda showed up five minutes into their meeting to retrieve her for a non-existent deposition, only to leave without explanation after Eli huffed off. Or the way, after things got better, she always showed up in court - especially on the hard cases - to offer a calming nod or share a conspiring look of victory whenever things went their way. 

**  
**

“Kalinda?” Alicia wasn’t exactly sure why she was about to become the bigger person except that this felt too much like the times where they weren’t talking and she hated that. 

**  
**

A brief glance _ . Silence. _

**  
**

She tried again, a little more impatiently. 

**  
**

“Oh come on, Kalinda. I’m...” Kalinda was shaking her head before Alicia could finish.

**  
**

“Don’t.” The reply was terse and left no room for argument. 

**  
**

Alicia stared at the unaffected face next to her before muttering, “Fine.” and retreated back to her seat with a huff. 

**  
**

The car returned to silence.

**  
**

They still hadn’t talked about Peter. Or the husband. She’d never figured out how to broach the subject in a way that wouldn’t incite the situation and make things worse. And the truth was, she didn’t want to test the waters too much for fear that Kalinda couldn’t actually deliver the honesty she had promised. So there were still conversations that seemed to be off limits for them and somehow they’d just managed to settle into a rhythm of avoidance in order to prevent any rocking of an otherwise still boat. She hoped that the last few hours wouldn’t be added to that list.

**  
**

*****

**  
**

They pulled up to Alicia’s apartment. Kalinda took a swipe at the mud dotting the underside of her chin, unable to eliminate the dried crust completely. She sighed as her forehead met the topside of the wheel, while her hands held firmly to the underside. Alicia reached out and found a wrist, unsure how Kalinda would respond to being touched. She tensed, but didn’t wrench away.

**  
**

“I didn’t want you there.” Alicia had never heard Kalinda so achingly angry before. It wasn’t the voice she was used to.

**  
**

She thought back to Diane’s office earlier, the pleading look on Kalinda’s face begging her. _Please don’t push_ .  Alicia had pushed anyway.

**  
**

“I know.” Alicia’s thumb unconsciously started tracing soothing circles on the sensitive skin that she’d latched onto. Kalinda remained motionless but her eyes fixed on Alicia’s hand.

**  
**

“We could have both been killed.” It came out as a whisper. Kalinda’s head turned and Alicia wasn’t sure what to make of the emotions she found there. This was different, something she’d yet to see.

**  
**

Alicia’s thumb stopped moving and she squeezed. “It was a close call. I know you’re shaken up, but...we’re ok.”

**  
**

Kalinda yanked free from her grasp and opened the door.

**  
**

“You don’t get it.” She hopped out, closed the door and popped the latch on the back, searching for the overnight bag she always kept as a ‘just in case’. Alicia followed her and stalked around the outside of the car. 

**  
**

“What don’t I get?” Alicia’s palms fell open in exasperation. “What do you think would have happened if you’d been allowed to go alone Kalinda? If I hadn’t been there? It would have been reckless...”

**  
**

“I had a job to do. It’s  my job.  My risk to take. Not yours.” Kalinda slammed the trunk closed.

**  
**

“But at what cost?” Alicia knew her choice to come had been right.

**  
**

Kalinda rolled her eyes.

**  
**

“No I’m serious Kalinda, at what cost? There has to be limits.” Alicia stood in the street, frustrated and at wits end. She’d never met anyone who could be this infuriating. 

**  
**

“There are limits, Alicia. They just don’t involve you.” Kalinda paused only for a second, only long enough for Alicia to guess that she was sorry. When she continued, every wall that Alicia had ever knocked down was rooted firmly in place. “Let’s go. We need to clean up.” 

**  
**

Kalinda, stiff and stilted, headed towards the entry doors. She didn’t look back and Alicia somehow felt like something had been lost. 

**  
**

*****

**  
**

Alicia found Kalinda in her hallway, leaning against the door frame, waiting. 

**  
**

She had a key. About a month ago Alicia had left case files at home and Kalinda had been sent to collect them. When Kalinda tried to give the key back, Alicia asked her to keep it - for emergencies. She was beyond needing permission to enter so the fact that she had waited was indicative of just how much Alicia had pissed her off. Which just pissed Alicia off; she wasn’t about to knowingly sit back while Kalinda did something stupid. It was stupid for Kalinda to think that she would. 

**  
**

“You could have gone in.” Alicia, flushed and just a little stony, turned her voice cool.

**  
**

Kalinda shrugged, but didn’t say anything. With a sigh, Alicia brushed past her and headed directly for the kitchen. Reaching for a bottle of wine and two glasses, she was intent on having this out before they headed back to work.  

**  
**

They shifted around each other in silence for several minutes, Alicia pouring wine, Kalinda at the sink trying to wash the mud off the cuffs of her jacket. 

**  
**

“I can wash that for you.” Alicia turned to face Kalinda’s back, watched as she stiffened with the pressure from her stare.

**  
**

A pause. Then offhanded, almost indifferent, “Hmm...dry clean only.”

**  
**

“Ok.” Alicia had no idea how to push past the cold shoulder; she wondered if this is what it had been like for Kalinda all those months of anger and resentment. So she leaned her hip on the counter next to Kalinda and offered her the wine, a peace offering, half expecting the glass to be rebuffed.

**  
**

Kalinda, eyes to the basin of the sink, held still for what couldn’t have been more than a few seconds but to Alicia, it felt like eternity. Just as Alicia was about to back away, she reached for the glass.

**  
**

“Thanks.” She didn’t move or shift her gaze, but Alicia hoped it was a start.

**  
**

“I’m going to go clean up. Towels are in the side cupboard. You can use the bathroom down the hall.”

**  
**

Alicia disappeared through her bedroom door.

**  
**

*****

**  
**

Kalinda couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that settled low in her stomach. She reached for a towel and navigated herself across the tidy apartment to what was clearly the bathroom that belonged to the Florrick children. 

**  
**

She flicked the dial on the shower and turned towards the sink to remove her jewelry. Shutting Alicia down hadn’t been intentional. In fact, she had promised herself, after they’d started to heal, that she would try to stay honest and open (mostly).

**  
**

But Alicia wasn’t ready for complete honesty - for the truth about everything. _Kalinda wasn’t ready to give it either._

**  
**

Alicia had no idea how close she had come, how close they’d both come, to not making it back. All because Kalinda was distracted - unfocused. If Alicia had stayed uninvolved, kept herself out of the line of fire the way Kalinda had asked, they would have been in and out - a simple stakeout. But she was too stubborn for her own good and as often as Kalinda loved that quality in her, today really hadn’t been the best time for it to show up. 

**  
**

Leaning against the bathroom door, her mind flashed to the moment she pushed Alicia into that dumpster; it had been _so_ close. A millisecond longer and they both would have been caught in the crossfire.  Alicia would have been dead. 

**  
**

And the only thing Kalinda had registered, could even think about, was... _her_. That realization in and of itself shocked her more than the life or death scenario they’d just stumbled through. When had she let one person so completely consume her? 

**  
**

Her thoughts were disrupted by the lack of running water. She pulled aside the curtain to see a slow and steady drip escaping the faucet and sighed. _Perfect_.

**  
**

Kalinda edged back out to the kitchen and eased up onto a bar stool. She contemplated going home to shower, but Alicia’s car was stranded at the office so she’d have to come back across town to get her. More importantly, despite her anger, she couldn’t really bring herself to leave right now. 

**  
**

So she sat and waited and sipped her wine. She scrolled through the photos that they’d gone to all the trouble to get before resting her head against the hands that clasped the camera. She couldn’t quite stop the tear of relief that trailed its way down her cheek.

**  
**

*****

**  
**

This is where Alicia found her when she came out to retrieve her forgotten wine. The unguarded look on Kalinda’s face said it all and it knocked the wind out of her - knocked the anger out of her.  

**  
**

Alicia, forgetting that she was wrapped only in a towel, padded over to where Kalinda sat and ignoring how outwardly unaffectionate Kalinda chose to be - how unaffectionate they chose to be with each other - she leaned across the counter and pulled the camera from her hands. 

**  
**

Kalinda let her take it, but every other part of her held still.

**  
**

“Kalinda, look at me.” No reaction. Alicia pulled on her wrists, forcing them to the counter’s surface, and left her hands covering them.

**  
**

“Kalinda, look at me.” Kalinda’s breath hitched and she shifted uncomfortably, but she looked up.

**  
**

“It’s over.”

**  
**

“I know.” She tried to disengage her hands, but Alicia wouldn’t let go.

**  
**

“Then why are you still so angry....”

**  
**

“Because you should have listened to me. Because you have no idea how near it came to ending another way....”  Her voice was vehement, fierce, but the fight was starting to leave her. 

**  
**

_ Because you have no idea how weak you make me. _

**  
**

Alicia shrugged. “We can sit here and argue the merits of my decision, but had I known the situation was that volatile, my choice wouldn’t have changed.” 

**  
**

“That’s the problem. It wouldn’t have changed, but it _should_ have.” Alicia’s brows furrowed. She’d been around Kalinda long enough to know that Kalinda let people make their own choices. Sometimes she would encourage them, guilt them, even manipulate them in one direction or the other, but then she’d sit back. Whatever decision was made, they’d be the one to live with the consequences, not her. 

**  
**

“Kalinda, what aren’t you telling me. This can’t just be about me _choosing_ to put myself at risk. There’s more?” Alicia inched closer to Kalinda.

**  
**

No response. Hands squeezed beneath hands as Alicia came closer still. “What is it?” Alicia’s voice was barely a whisper.

**  
**

“You make me weak, okay?” Kalinda tried to step back, defiant, but she couldn’t hide the angry tears that welled up.

**  
**

“I make you weak?” Alicia refused to release the grip she had on Kalinda for fear she might try to run, but she couldn’t help but be a little offended.

**  
**

“Yes.” Her voice was so soft Alicia barely heard it, her eyes unfocused and distant. 

**  
**

“How do I make you weak?” Kalinda stared at a spot over Alicia’s shoulder and chewed on her lip. She didn’t answer.

**  
**

“Kalinda, how do I...?

**  
**

“You just...do.” Her eyes flicked to Alicia and then down to her covered wrists.

**  
**

“I don’t understand.” 

**  
**

“I know.”

**  
**

“So tell me.” Kalinda felt a squeeze.

**  
**

“I can’t.” Her head shift side to side almost imperceptibly. 

**  
**

“Oh that’s bullshit. You want to earn back my trust, here’s an opportunity. Be honest with me.”

**  
**

Kalinda pulled away, ready to bolt as she paced towards the door. But she turned on her heel about halfway there, clearly at war with herself, and headed back towards her glass of wine. She guzzled it; Alicia had never seen Kalinda so emotional about anything. When her eyes met Alicia’s again, she spoke.

**  
**

“I...” a beat...”I don’t want to lose you again.” Kalinda looked miserable and fragile and very un-Kalinda like and that was enough to make Alicia lose all sense. She maneuvered her way around the rest of the counter and pulled Kalinda into the tightest hug she could fathom. 

**  
**

“You aren’t going to lose me.” Alicia wasn’t sure if they were talking about today or other things, but as far as she was concerned - at this moment - the answer was true enough either way. “We’re ok.”

**  
**

“You don’t know that.” Kalinda mumbled, stiff and refusing to return the hug. Alicia pulled tighter.

**  
**

“Kalinda. You aren’t going to lose me, I promise.”

**  
**

“That isn’t a promise you can make.” Her breath, warm and a little minty, was distorted against Alicia’s neck, but she was starting to sink into the embrace, arms loosely encircling her waist.

**  
**

“Well I just did.” Alicia was intent to stay where she was until Kalinda stopped resisting altogether, but the smell from the dumpster that was coming off both of them desperately needed to be rectified. 

**  
**

Alicia was suddenly hyper aware of her own state of dress and the close contact with Kalinda that she shared. It was an odd feeling - skin on leather, breast to breast - but not one she felt terribly displeased by. More importantly, the longer they stayed like that, the less she wanted to let go. She wondered if Kalinda would mind if she didn’t.

**  
**

She was connected to Kalinda in ways that even she didn’t totally understand. She knew it the day she’d found out about Peter, the day she’d chosen to sever ties with her best friend and felt like she’d lost almost everything in the world that was important to her. She knew it the day they decided to try again. And though she was wary to admit it to herself even now, part of her knew that she wanted to see what that connection meant - not just emotionally but physically. She knew, on some level, that it was greater than simple curiosity. 

**  
**

So she decided to take a chance, knowing that actions would probably freak Kalinda out only slightly less than words. She started to pull away and was pleased to find that Kalinda was reluctant to disentangle herself. She reached for her hand and pulled her towards her room.

  


“What are you doing?” Kalinda’s feet didn’t move.

  


“You smell like trash.” Alicia, smiling coyly, looked back as if that should have been obvious and gave her hand a gentle tug. She continued walking.

  


Kalinda let out a nervous breath. “I tried to shower. Faucets busted in the other bathroom.” She fidgeted against Alicia’s pull, shrugging one shoulder uncomfortable. “I’ll grab one when you’re done.” 

  


Alicia didn’t say anything, she just tugged again, propelling them away from the dining area.

  


“Alicia...” the panic was starting to build. 

  


“It’s ok.” 

  


Kalinda wrenched her arm free and forced Alicia to face her. “Stop saying that. What are we doing?” It was an odd role reversal - this wasn’t a question Kalinda ever felt the need to ask. Alicia stepped forward to close the space between them, but said nothing.

  


“This...” Kalinda gestured between them, ”is not a good idea.” Kalinda, pupils dilated and eyes a little wild, was in full panic mode now.

  


“What isn’t?” Alicia stepped even closer, wrapping both hands around both of Kalinda’s wrists, their bodies ever so slightly touching.

  


“We can’t.” Kalinda’s voice was hoarse, her eyes closed, she licked her lips. Alicia drifted slowly backward, pulling Kalinda with her.

  


“Why not? I can see that you want to. And we both need to get...clean?.” Alicia hoped that would crack a smile, but it didn’t.

  


“Alicia, I....” Kalinda desperately wanted to run, but her mind to muscle communications were shutting down. 

  


“Shh..” Alicia wrangled her the rest of the way to the bathroom and released one wrist long enough to reach behind and twist on the water. Her eyes stayed on Kalinda’s. She stepped over the edge of the tub and used her toe to kick the stopper into place. “You can.”

  


“But...” 

  


“This doesn’t have to change anything, make anything worse. We both want this.” Alicia snaked a hand between them and slowly released the zipper on Kalinda’s jacket. Kalinda stayed completely motionless. “Relax.” Far easier said than done.

  


Alicia never in a million years thought she could do this with a woman. But with Kalinda, there were no doubts, no hesitation. This felt right. She stripped Kalinda down, piece by piece, layer by layer and with each came a little bit of the barrier between them. She rested her head against Kalinda’s, their bodies creating a steeple over the edge of the tub. 

  


“Please.” The whispered plea was enough to unravel Kalinda and she leaned in closer, nodding ever so slightly.  Alicia smiled in relief and her lips feathered slowly across the curve of Kalinda’s cheek, nipping down the line of her jaw, before settling on the soft line of her bottom lip. The kiss started off light, tentative even; innocent. It was different from anything Alicia had ever experienced - softer and somehow more important. Alicia wanted to take her time. She pressed a little deeper and Kalinda trembled.

  


Sensing discomfort, she eased Kalinda over the side of the tub and into the warm water. Her own towel was quickly discarded and she dropped to the water, enveloping her from behind, hoping that the feel of ‘them’ would be enough to stave off the fear of ‘them’. 

  


It wasn’t, but Alicia pressed on anyway. She poured lavender scented body wash onto her palms and rubbed them together until she could see the bubbles spilling over. She reached around Kalinda, ruining Kalinda’s attempts at preventing as much skin to skin contact as possible, and latched onto one hand. She drew soapy fingers all the way up her arm and back down again, nuzzling her neck as she switched sides. Kalinda’s body wasn’t immune to her touch and Alicia could feel it. She watched as Kalinda continued to resist, but the mind only had so much power over the physical. She eased back closer to Alicia as Alicia’s hands traced a path down her sides and across her torso. 

  


Kalinda, till now, had sufficiently stifled any outward reactions, but as Alicia stopped all movement and gently rested her chin atop Kalinda’s shoulder, holding her, they both let out a sigh. 

  


Alicia waited a few moments, wanting to give Kalinda the chance to lead, but when she remained motionless, her own restlessness encouraged her to continue exploring. Fingers, feather soft, trailed down the sides of Kalinda’s legs, across her inner thigh, around her hip, and back up across her chest. This was so new to Alicia she wanted to ask Kalinda for guidance, but she was terrified it would break some sort of spell so she said nothing. 

  


Her lips found Kalinda’s neck and she discovered that she liked that it tasted a little spicy. Moving slowly, she nibbled her way across collarbone, shoulder blade, and a tender spot along the back side of her rib cage. Kalinda sucked in a breath unable to resist and Alicia pushed forward, nudging aside an arm with her nose as she traced a delicate path to the front side of her body. She licked a nipple and Kalinda couldn’t help but arch into it. Taking that as a sign to carry on, Alicia continued her ministrations as she maneuvered her hand around the other side of Kalinda’s body and rested it just below her other breast caressing softly.

  


Alicia could feel the moment that Kalinda fully acquiesced, relaxing into the sensations and molding their bodies together completely. 

  


** \-- **

  


She pulled Alicia up for a kiss as she, eyes closed, sought out Alicia’s hands with her own. She was acutely aware of how different this felt and equal parts of her loved and hated it. Alicia’s scent surrounded her at every turn and it was all she could do to keep herself from pressing even closer. 

  


She’d always wondered how this would be and she found that the lack of control felt dangerous. Like she was slipping down a dark hole, with no way to climb back out. Worse, no desire to.  

  


Alicia’s left arm stayed draped across her front. Kalinda, liking the security of it, but hating herself for liking it, let their connected hands slip down below the water to reach the one place Alicia had yet to explore. She forced Alicia’s hand to palm her fully and she couldn’t stop the soft moan that escaped when she did. Her hips involuntarily flipped forward, once, twice and Alicia met each thrust willingly. 

  


** \-- **

  


Just watching Kalinda had Alicia’s own heart racing. She slipped a finger inside, testing, but Kalinda was more than a little aroused, and she slipped in a second. She slowed her rhythm to a torturously languid pace, effectively gaining control, and Kalinda whimpered. Kalinda was too close to make this last much longer, so with the little energy she had left, she freed Alicia’s hand and flipped over, trapping Alicia between her body and the back of the tub. Nose to nose, she let their bodies fall flush. Their eyes met only for a moment, a shared smile, before Kalinda pressed their lips together softly. Then she straddled Alicia’s legs, kissing along her jaw, and let her own hand drift below the water. 

  


Alicia’s eyes shot open, labored breath released, as she felt Kalinda’s probing fingers. Not that there had ever been a doubt, but the things Kalinda could do with her hands (not to mention her tongue) was pretty much unimaginable. Alicia’s hips bucked and she wondered how the tables had turned so quickly. In the years since she’d met Kalinda, she’d learned to not back away from a challenge or let distractions get in the way of a goal, so with that in mind, she launched an unexpected assault and traced her fingers back between Kalinda’s legs. 

  


The sensation proved too much for both of them. Kalinda, surprised and unprepared, slid down hard on Alicia’s hand, while her own fingers thrust deeper into Alicia and they both tumbled over the edge, calling out matching expletives. Kalinda, one hand against the wall, fell forward, biting softly on Alicia’s shoulder as her body convulsed.  Alicia let her eyes drift shut. 

  


It wasn’t long before giddy euphoria escaped; she was giggling and she could almost feel Kalinda smiling along with her.

  


“Holy GOD. Did that just happen?” Alicia’s hands rested at Kalinda’s hips. 

  


Kalinda only breathed out a  “Yea.” 

  


Alicia tilted her head to the side resting it against Kalinda’s, but she was unable to see her face. “You ok?” 

  


“Mmm.”

  


Alicia tugged on Kalinda’s hips until she shifted down her body, half sprawled across the length of her, head tucked under Alicia’s chin, legs tangling together. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but that didn’t seem overly important.

  


“What’s wrong?” Alicia sensed her pulling away, watched as she tried to minimize the experience.

  


“Nothing.” It was the response she had come to expect from Kalinda. 

  


It wasn’t a response Alicia was prepared to let her get away with. “Don’t do that.” 

  


“Do what?” Innocence on Kalinda only worked with other people. 

  


“Close off.” 

  


“I’m not.” Kalinda sounded empty. “I just...”

  


Alicia turned her lips to Kalinda’s forehead assuringly and it only made talking that much harder. 

  


Kalinda’s voice caught. “What now?”

  


Alicia shrugged, fingers fluttering lazily over Kalinda’s hip. “I don’t know. We should...probably get moving...get back to work?” Kalinda nodded, but neither moved. 

  


“Pretend this didn’t happen?” The pressure on Alicia’s chest increased as Kalinda, consciously or unconsciously she wasn’t sure, pulled her tighter. 

  


Alicia tried to pull away so she could see her face, brows furrowing in confusion. The euphoria from seconds earlier rapidly dissipating. “Is that what you want?” 

  


Kalinda had no idea what she wanted. She wanted to relish this moment. But it was impossible for her to see this ending in any way other than unmitigated disaster, both of them more damaged than before. She hated relationships, routine, domesticity. Alicia thrived off of them. She would end up hurting her. And besides, where would Alicia’s kids fit into all this? What about work and Peter and...Will? 

  


In every version of ‘them’ (like this), they’d ultimately lose each other, so the only reliable solution was to pretend like this never happened. But her eyes refused to leave their linked fingers.

  


“Kalinda?”

  


A deep breath. “Yes. That’s what I want.” Voice suddenly cold and clipped, she pushed away quickly and tried to stand, but Alicia, unprepared for that response, wasn’t ready to let her run. 

  


“But...” Alicia stopped herself, running a hand down Kalinda’s bare back before dropping it to the water. It wasn’t until today, maybe not until this moment, that she realized just how well she actually knew Kalinda - far better than she had once thought. Facts about Kalinda’s past were (and would possibly always be) a little fuzzy, but the ‘how’ of Kalinda, she understood well and the truth about Peter, though it fed her doubts, had never actually changed that.

  


If she wanted this (and she did), she was going to have to let this play out on Kalinda’s terms. “Okay. If that’s what you want. I told you that this didn’t have to change anything between us and I meant it. But first, I want you to look at me and say it.” Kalinda froze.

  


“Why?” Alicia was too close.

  


“Because I do. Because I know that you reacted the same way that I did to what just happened. I felt it. And the only reasonable thing I can conclude right now is that you’re jumping ship because you’re scared.  And if I’m wrong, I wanna know that.”

  


“Alicia...”

  


“Don’t run. Just...don’t.” Her voice was whisper soft and full of desire. She hoped that Kalinda would hear her.

  


“It’s...what I know.” Kalinda was having a hard time resisting a vulnerable Alicia.

  


“So learn something new.” And that was all she had. Now it was up to Kalinda.

  


Kalinda stood and wrapped herself in a towel. Reaching for her clothes, she stepped towards the open door. 

  


Alicia slid further into the now chilly water, wishing there was something else she could say to wash away the fear, but knowing that Kalinda would always focus harder on self preservation than self fulfillment. Just as she closed her eyes, ready to swallow down the emotions of the last few hours, she heard a very quiet, “Ok” from the door. 

  


Alicia looked over, hopeful. “Okay?” 

  


Kalinda, looking as raw and defeated as she’d ever seen her, only nodded. 

  


*****

  


It was almost three when they walked out Alicia’s front door to head back to the office. At the elevator, Kalinda watched as Alicia let her hand drift close, stopping short of actually linking their fingers. She smiled, hopeful. And Kalinda could only smile back.

  


Alicia looked like a weight had been lifted, but for Kalinda, little had changed. This was still a bad idea no matter how you looked at things. This was a dangerous road they’d chosen to walk and it could only ever end in tatters. 

  


But she couldn’t say no. And despite every reservation coursing through her body, she was grateful for the optimism in Alicia that hadn’t been destroyed. 

  


For the first time, possibly ever, she wanted to think that, maybe someday, total honesty would be something she could do. And that they really would be ok. 


End file.
